Saturday, May 31, 2008
Why does everyone say that i'm stupid when it comes to a certain topic? Is it wrong to do what you best think is the best possible solution? Do you know just how much thought i had to put in to try to ease all this pain and suffering? Even if it's one sided or not, the kind of person that i am wants the best for the other. And since it's so god damn obvious that it's impossible for me to do the best for someone, isn't what i'm doing the easiest way out?I admit i'm selfish here. But who isn't? I strongly believe in the Chinese saying " Temporary pain is much better than permanent pain ". Am i wrong? Tell me! Enough said. And yo bitch, next time understand the situation first before you make assumptions. i was taking about work. Thank you and FUCK OFF. Go run to your sweet little boys for entertainment.What a complete waste of my time, effort and money...
She lives vividly in my memories
1:04 am
Friday, May 30, 2008
I wish i had someone to talk to now. I bottled too much inside me and i kinda feel terrible.Anyway, i'm going to change my blog address soon...the-tanker-boy.blogspot.comwill let you guys know soon. =]
She lives vividly in my memories
1:13 pm
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Light at the end of the tunnel...I see it.Because for everything that ever happened, this is how you reacted. haha! fine by me. now i can stand up proud, hold my hand over my chest and say...I"M GOD DAMN RIGHT I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.GOOD BYE.Be happy for me my friends, for i am enlightened. I'm now absolutely ready for the next stage of my life!
She lives vividly in my memories
9:37 pm
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Time really flies. before i know it, it's only 5 more days left till my last day at work. just can't believe how time really flies.I'll miss my two and a half years there. so much memories to recall. the memories i loved and hated. everything... i'll miss them. I'm tired, time to sleep. till next time. See Ya! =]Oh yes, i'm thinking of changing my blog URL. but got no idea what to change.And today someone said to me that i don't look as cheerful anymore. heh. how can i be cheerful? i'm devastated by so many things...Kk. really time to sleep. ZZZZzzzzzz....
She lives vividly in my memories
12:41 am
Monday, May 26, 2008
Aikido class in a few hours time.But i dun really feel like going. when i signed up for this course, i wanted to protect someone else before i even thought about myself. Everything i did, i will think about the person first...But nevermind, from today onwards i will protect myself. becos that person doesn't need my protection anymore. or rather, i chose not to anymore. i will protect myself and only myself from now onwards...Sadly, i've always seen negative events that happen before my eyes that never fails to change my perception of Love. The way a certain couple i know behaved when they quarreled on yesterday's night was hideous. And the latest news i got today was them breaking up. you can never imagine how difficult, how awkward and how helpless i felt when i tried to help them through everything.Having no choice to use my last resort, i asked that person for a little favor, for help. But all i got was a "i couldn't be bothered cause it's your problem and i won't make a difference" crap. it was so cold that i got a flu last night. heh. just kidding.Love is just so painful more than it is blissful. that's my conclusion over this years. so i'll guess i'll stay single. but you'll still see me flirting with other gals though...heh.
She lives vividly in my memories
6:24 pm
Thursday, May 22, 2008
rain was damn heavy. but i like rainy days. heh. i think i've pretty much made my decision. be it right or wrong, i'll live with it...
She lives vividly in my memories
3:56 pm
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
how many days have it passed? it felt weird, yes. But... i'm surprised i got used to it so fast. hehe.it's ironic to say...As the time gets shorter, the distance between gets further... heh. crap.i'm actually depressed but glad at the same time. is there a proper word or phrase for this? tell me if you guys know ok? if it pains me to have something i love and treasure, i rather endure more pain and discard it...that's the way it will be for me.
She lives vividly in my memories
11:21 pm
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Ever since i returned from BKK, the confusion i had still lingers. and so much had happened but i still can't clear the doubts i have. my frens say...Go for it. you're the best thing tat ever happen to her. no one take care of her better than you, the care, the concern and love. blah blah blah...but i say...i'm not good enough, in so many aspects. i don't want to waste her life and future away cause she deserves better. there's so much pressure. i'm inadequate in so many ways. seriously, i really dunnoe wat to do. if only i don't have to serve NS. i might have given it a try. be it a success or a failure. time indeed is a factor...guess i've decided, if it's meant to be. if she's unattached after 2 years, i will work hard to make it happen. but after 2 years, will everything remain the same? both of us will by then have changed. be it for the better or worse. no one knows...damn it, really hate this. how i wish tomorrow, she'll find someone so i dun have to be suffering. her love, if any; is suffocating me to no ends. i want to try but will i like always, fail again???answer me anyone? please?
EDIT:
after awhile, i recalled. i used to have this fren called Pui Fai aka Ah Fai and Ah 5.
he used to have this very close bond with my former click. but then for some odd reason which i have no idea wat, he decided on the disappearing act on all of us. even though i met him a few times, he's still as friendly as always. so i wonder if wat he did was really wat he wanted. hmmm...
which brings me back to my own story...
i tried to do the disappearing act countless times but always, either she or myself will talk myself out of it. i always wondered if this is wat i really wanted. well, for me it's 50/50.
see, if i disappeared, i would not tink about it. i would be happy. but if i don't talk to her, i would gradually feel sad and unhappy. so just wat the hell do i want? ARGGH!!!
well, 26 more days till i make that final decision...
=]
She lives vividly in my memories
8:16 pm
Saturday, May 10, 2008
it's over... i give up...the relationship tat i treasured the most just ended. i fucking wan to cry but i will hold it all the way back. all i wan to say is that for the past years, you lighted up my life when it was the darkest and i loved you deeply for that. i treasured you more than myself cos i wanted the best in life just for you. but all fairytales come to an end. it just did on me. it's really fucking painful. but i'll live with it. i will be strong so no worries. haha!i wan to forget everything and only tink of my PSP i'm going to get in a few hours time. it will be my new fren and soulmate.
She lives vividly in my memories
1:21 am
Friday, May 09, 2008
had a rough day yesterday...i had counseling from a friend and what he told me shocked the shit outta me and i regretted my actions. however, it's always the case of being too late. park it.but i really can't believe my ears. was what he said true? is he trying to coax me into saying sorry?i dunnoe, i'm parking confused again. there's so many things i wanna let out. but i know i can't. i must be strong and tell myself that it is afterall, just a dream that will forever stay a dream and will never come true for me.
She lives vividly in my memories
8:49 am
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
just realised i haven blogged in a few days so here it goes...Sunday:Went JB with Porky, Henry and Cai Ning. got off to a bad start when that couple quarreled and it took another couple who were married animally to ease off the ill feelings. which so happened to be a packet of Ciggies... anyways, it wasn't as fun as the first time i went with Henry and Cai Ning. dun get me wrong here because i had lunch that tasted so bad and had such small servings that couldn't satisfy me. A Hungry man is an Angry man! ROAR!!! ahhhh. food just either make or break my day.other then tat, the 3 of them went for a haircut while i didn't. went for some shopping but i didn't buy anything. then went for KTV cum Buffet which of course is my favorite. and had the privilege of hearing how marvelous Porky's voice is when she sang Jolin Tsai's songs. CN and i can't help but notice how similar Porky's voice and looks compared to the great Diva Jolin Tsai.the only thing i wanted was a PSP along with a package of attractive accessories. it is priced at about S$300 plus but it is very very worth it. damn cheap!!! but i dun tink i'll get it cause of the 2 considerations in my mind. which is the KL trip and Porky's present.Monday:After Porky's pleas, decided to meet her after school to extend her validity of her passport with that cute little picture when she's just a little gal. haha! anyway, she decided to make a new one so we didn't have to spend about 1 hour plus Q-ing.so we went to SIm Lim Square to look for Porky's Bday present which is a Lumix FX-36. after a couple of hours, the best price we got was $476. damn, although i said my budget for her Bday is $500 but i wished the camera can cost below $450. i so want my PSP. =[ park it. anyway, went to Vivo after that to get her Hello Kitty box and she spent money again lohs. Haiz Haiz. Porky, when will you ever stop buying BAGS!!!well, took the same bus back with her but she had to leave me half-way due to family commitments. while i had to rush like a crazy dinosaur to my Aikido class and in the process, most prob spent like $10 on transportation. had to take a cab to the CC cause i was really damn late.but Aikido class today was parking fun as the techniques learnt was so hilarious. well, only i know what happened. so fun.Randoms:sometimes i wonder is it me or is it just you? i tried to understand but i always seem to be misunderstood. i dunnoe how long it'll last but perhaps not. if only i could foretell what the future bring. and the worse part, i'm always partaking in races in which i'll never finish 1st but always 2nd. i hate my sad ass life...
She lives vividly in my memories
2:30 am
